I have no game.

You probably aren’t wondering, but you just might be wondering what I mean by game. Yes, by game, I’m referring to the art of picking up chicks.  I’ve lived in my new house for a few weeks now and no female has ever seen the inside.  I almost had one female visitor, but my mother broke her foot and she is confined to her own house for awhile.  That equals absolutely zero female visitors for me.

Well, it may come as a surprise to you, but my sudden lack of game isn’t just happening now.  Believe it or not, four years ago I was also single and had no game.  Actually back then, in the high school days, I would say had “limited” game.

So why did I have this sudden epiphany on the couch?

My limited game mostly took place on the couch.  In my lifetime, I’ve had sex with a whopping seven girls – If my ex-girlfriend asks, please remember to tell her it’s six, not seven.  Now, the first time I kissed four of these seven girls, I was on a couch.

Realizing this makes me see that I have an agenda! I actually used to have a methodical way of getting with girls… Lame, but methodical.  I would sit for hours on the couch, usually watching a movie from blockbuster, slowly inching closer and closer, waiting until I was absolutely sure if I went in I wouldn’t get rejected.

Even so, I was still a little bitch about it.  Why did it take me hours to pull it off?  Why was I so nervous?

A girl and a boy are sitting on a couch. They are alone.  They have the entire couch, yet they both have non-verbally agreed to be sitting so close to each other, they are now touching. Why the fuck would it take me hours to see this as a green light to go in for a lousy kiss?

The girls would always know the kiss is coming, too. Keep in mind when you’re touching someone you always notice if they’re heart is beating abnormally fast.  It’s no secret!  Shit is about to go down!

My heart was always racing a mile a minute while watching some shit movie.  But you know what?  When I went for it, I closed the deal 100% of the time.  That’s a good stat I can hold dear to my heart.

I hope that everyone out there can avoid following my lead, but if you are really that desperate and have no hope of sleeping with a girl, I can help you devise a simple plan that is sure to work.  Become friends.  Invite her over to watch a movie.  Sit with her. Wait hours for her to give you a green light. Take advantage of the green light.

Now you may not get a green light, but at least you won’t make a fool of yourself.

This may seem like shit advice to most guys out there, but just go ahead and read the title of this blog one more time before you criticize: I HAVE NO GAME.  That’s the shitty truth!

And don’t worry… If you stick with my blog, I will be sure to analyze and give you every detail of my sex life.  This will most likely only consists of a few short posts, but entertaining ones, none the less.

After noticing that I’m ranked 6,224th in the world at playing NHL 2009 on Xbox Live and how many dirty text messages I have been exchanging with my ex girlfriend, I realized I have no life.

So, how does one analyze if they indeed have no life? Let’s use my life as a reference…

Have you logged more than 20 hours of Xbox Live this week?
I probably could have slid by under the radar on this one if it wasn’t for that damn Netflix app on Xbox Live. Actually, I’m not sure how many hours I play NHL in a week, and it’d probably be better for my self esteem if I kept not keeping track.

Do you ever go to the movie theater alone?
I like movies and I hate dealing with making plans with people. I used to be embarrassed, but I’ve gotten over being the only person in the theater that didn’t go there with someone. Try it.

Do you watch re-runs of sitcoms on TBS all day?
I work from home. I like to have the TV on. If the TV is off I feel closed off from the outside world. Re-runs of Home Improvement, Yes Dear, King of Queens, and Everybody Loves Raymond – yes in that order – on a daily basis help me work through the day.

Have you hung out with your mom more than once in the last week?
Give me a break on this one. She broke her foot. I’ve been watching movies with her and making TV dinners.

Did you wake up past noon more than 4 times in the last week?
I’m not sure, but I know didn’t wake up before 11:30am once all week. Wow. That’s only acceptable for strippers and security guards.

Did you break up with your girlfriend, but now continue to confuse the situation by exchanging dirty text messages?
No comment.

Learn from my no-life, life, my friends. Take the above questions and make sure you can answer NO to all of them. If you can’t answer no to them, there is a probably a good chance you have no life! That’s the shitty truth. Welcome to the club.

It might help to understand what this blog is all about if you know a little bit about me.

Who am I?
I majored in a computer-related field in college. In my last semester, I tried really hard to get a job and start a career.  I’m good at what I do and I had a pretty impressive resume. I interviewed all around Los Angeles and got rejected everywhere because of our shit economy. Finally I landed an internship an hour away.  It was going really well until they told me they couldn’t afford to hire me, after all, because of their lack of business in recent months.

I was now only a couple of months from graduating with no steady job lined up.  Through college I had been paying my way with a little at-home business I started and so I decided to keep doing that.  I found a lot more spare time when I started half-assing my classes, and I was able to get the money flowing pretty well.

One day I decided I had to get the fuck out of Los Angeles.  So I bought a house in Washington, where I grew up, and decided I was going to move there after graduation. I graduated in the Spring of 2009, randomly broke up with my girlfriend of four years for no real reason, and moved to Washington to live in a big house by myself with the five pets we had accumulated.

Where am I now?
Now I find myself living alone in this big house in Washington with two dogs, three cats, and an Xbox. I’m bored here.  All the friends I used to have are either gone or aren’t my friends any more.  To be honest my life is shit… but I kind of like it.

So, what the hell is this blog?
Through my experiences and observations, I’m sure I can influence everyone not to follow my lead.  If you want to read some of my posts I will reveal some of life’s shitty truths, as well as provide you with some inspiration on what NOT to do with your life.

Stick with me, friends, and let’s get to the fuckin’ blogging.